15 Years In - Our Marriage Story - Part 2
THE SHIFT
In January of 2020, I got the opportunity to fly solo to Maui to visit with a cherished friend.
She blessed me BIG by listening well and asking really good questions.
She spoke life into me.
She inspired me by how she loved and cared for her family and home.
She modeled for me what it looks like to sit in God’s presence — something I had never done before.
She walked me through listening to His voice and I received what I strongly felt was a promise from Him over our marriage — “A breakthrough is coming.”
I clung to that promise.
A few months later, through a turn of events, God led me to an Instagram friend that would turn out to be one of the biggest evidences of God’s amazing grace in my life.
It was not the first time I had dropped in someone’s DMs and said, “Hey. I like you. We’re friends now.”
We hit it off pretty quick, learning we were both Christians.
We ended up voice messaging each other almost every day for months.
She listened compassionately to my detailed hurts and hangups, and she shared her own wrestlings and testimony of how the Lord was powerfully freeing her from anger, control, and physical ailments.
On a few occasions, she asked me, “When did you repent?”
It frustrated me that she kept asking because I truly thought I was living a repentant life.
I didn’t seek to do wrong things. But, still something was missing…
In November of 2021, she asked me if she could re-share the gospel with me like a friend had shared it with her
I agreed, thinking, “I’ve heard it a million times, but obviously, there’s something I must be missing, and it never hurts to hear it again.”
You can read the rest of that story here: https://windandseed.myflodesk.com/look-up
Through my friend’s conversation + prayers, Holy Spirit showed me where I was holding on to things that were keeping me bound:
Anger
Bitterness
Resentment
Control
Spirit of Victimhood
Spirit of Orphanhood
After that conversation, I immediately went and confessed and repented to my family.
My life started to dramatically change.
You see…repentance is a change of thinking.
The Holy Spirit helped me realize that I had bought into the cultural norm for how a stay-at-home-mom should think and feel.
I believed it was my right to think and feel the way I did.
I had let these cultural beliefs cloud my understanding of obedience to God.
I knew the scripture verses that talk about putting off anger, bitterness, envy, strife, etc…(Eph 4, 1 Peter 2)
But, it never once occurred to me that I was deliberately walking in sin, bound.
Once the Lord opened my eyes, I wanted to get those things off of me and keep them as far away as possible.
I began to share with my family what God was doing, and confess sinful thoughts and actions openly and often.
God began to change and transform me.
He took me and changed my thinking.
He replaced my sin with unexplainable PEACE.
This was just the beginning of the promised breakthrough.
At the start of the new year in 2022, my Instagram bestie flew in from Arizona to re-baptize me.
I had been baptized as an elementary schooler, but I had done it from a heart of “box-checking” and “being a good, Christian kid” rather than of surrender to Christ.
For a few days after my baptism, she helped me grasp what it looked like to truly rest in God’s presence.
As I thought differently about how things should work, the atmosphere of my home changed.
The urge to try and manipulate and control our lives was still there, but I knew now so clearly the destruction of that MO and where to take my big, heavy feelings.
I wanted Hubbs to change.
But, I couldn’t control him.
No amount of lecturing.
No amount of sending articles his way.
No amount of complaining and tears.
Nothing I tried worked.
The Holy Spirit began to teach me to do things in a way completely different than I naturally thought.
Hubbs needed space to discover God’s way on his own, in his own time.
I began reading, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian.
My mindset started shifting from praying to get what I want (God as my genie) to praying for intimacy with God (God as my Father).
I wanted so badly to have UNITY in my marriage.
But, did I want it more than I wanted God?
It had been on my heart for years, to move to where we saw, through social media, podcasts, authors, events, etc, Christian communities thriving.
I figured, if we could get to one of those places, even if just for a season, we could get healthy and then decide where to go from there.
Anytime I brought up the idea of potentially moving out of state, Hubbs would mildly entertain the idea for entertainment’s sake, but never with any seriousness.
But, in December of 2021, right before my baptism, something shifted.
We started talking seriously about moving.
Hubbs had taken to a few podcasters who were stationed in Tennessee.
I had authors I loved and respected who lived in Texas.
The houses in both states there were bigger for the money, which meant we could likely get the same size house for less and Hubbs could take any kind of job that was more family friendly, even if it meant a pay cut.
Texas seemed the most promising with its vast housing inventory, being central for travel, and having on average 100 days more sunshine than Oregon, which was a huge draw since Hubbs and I struggled with seasonal depression.
In December of 2021, my dad flew us out to visit the DFW area.
We visited with some Young Living friends while we were there and decided we could totally see ourselves living there.
FULLY LETTING GO
Though I had finally fully repented + surrendered my will to God, I was only beginning to learn what it truly looks like to daily live fully dependent on Jesus.
In February of 2022, we decided to put our house on the market.
In the first weekend, we accepted an over-asking-price offer.
We were officially on the clock to finding our new Texas home.
(Photo taken on our last day at our Oregon home.) 🥹
Needless to say, my control issues flared up BIG TIME and it was affecting those around me.
But, this time, in noticing the destruction of my sin, instead of wallowing in it and burning bridges, I walked in confession and repentance.
This was a HUGE GRACE from the Holy Spirit.
There’s so much more grace and goodness to our moving story, but I wrote more of those details that you can read here: https://windandseed.myflodesk.com/look-up
Backing up to paint a picture…
2020 was a dumpster fire for many of us.
We weren’t immune.
We had been faithfully attending a local church for a few years, but there were many things that were just “off.”
Hubbs had agreed to be on staff as a service manager (I’m not sure that is the correct title), which meant he was focused on his tasks during church, not on the service itself.
This bothered me, but I didn’t say anything for a while.
His servant’s attitude was noticed and he was eventually asked to take a leadership role.
I was shocked. Had I been part of this process, I would have said, “No.”
There was no discipleship, no accountability, and no one ever asked him, “Hey, are you pursuing Jesus? What does that look like for you in this season?”
This REALLY bothered me.
It wasn’t the lack of discipleship alone.
Somehow he had time to be a leader in the church, but not time or energy to have hard conversations at home.
This was so backwards, but I didn’t know how to respectfully and effectively communicate what I was feeling inside.
So, I let the resentment build.
Depression pulled me in and trying to look Christlike left me EXHAUSTED.
Shortly after, I was asked to be a mentor to 4th and 5th grade girls.
Mentorship was something I craved as a child, but never had.
My heart was BIG for those girls.
Unfortunately, due to struggles at home, I couldn’t always show up to church with a smile on my face so I was asked to step down.
No questions.
No follow up.
No one to help me sort all the big emotions I was feeling.
I left, dejected.
When the pandemic shut down our church, like many others, I started asking hard questions.
When they re-opened, but wouldn’t let us come without masks, I struggled hard.
Surely this wasn’t God’s best for us!
We sought out online churches, but never really landed on one.
Hubbs said he was interested in going back to the local church, but if I didn’t go with him, he wasn’t going.
This stipulation caused me pause.
We still weren’t communicating well at this point, but I knew he felt my distrust.
Fast forward to just before the move…
Hubbs asked me if we planned to find a church when we got to Texas.
Defiantly, I said, “Not if it’s just another book club. Nope. I’m not interested.”
I wanted God. I didn’t want a confused, chaotic church.
And the fact that he wasn’t taking ownership in the decision caused me pause.
My Insta-bestie had since introduced me to an online church that met over Zoom.
The virtual platform existed for those who were not stationary long enough to invest in a local church.
I was being discipled by these humans.
They were living Christian.
Hubbs was not interested in joining me, which also caused me pause.
Why didn’t he want to be a part of a thriving, intentional church?
In one of our meetings, I shared my concerns about finding a local church.
Because I had grown up “Christian,” but struggled with what it meant to truly live Christian, I was afraid to invest in a church that had skewed views or a focus on cultural Christianity.
I wanted the REAL DEAL.
My Zoom church showed me how to handle those doubts and fears.
We took them to Jesus, together.
We arrived in Texas on May 7th.
We took a week to get settled in our new house, and officially began the church hunt on May 15th.
I had a list of churches we wanted to visit, but after the first one, every family member said, “We don’t want to try any other churches. We want to stay here. This is home.”
God had answered my prayer for peace in our new church home. I was SO GRATEFUL!!
This move was dripping with His peace and I was HERE. FOR. IT.
I kept recounting aloud all the ways God had provided, blessed, brought miracles, and poured out His grace on us!! I couldn’t contain it!!
Each week, our pastor would preach about repentance.
Each week, Hubbs’ heart was being nudged.
We were getting better at communicating, but there was still a HUGE wall.
One night, we had a heated conversation.
Hubbs said, “I feel like you’re saying I’m not a Christian!”
My response was, “Well, are you?”
He spent the next year seeking.
Holy Spirit was working on Him.
During this time, I felt so lost and confused.
But, I had learned I couldn’t control anyone else and that my job was to “seek first His Kingdom.”
I was learning God was trustworthy to a “T” and my thoughts and feelings were safe with Him.
I was learning how to listen to the Lord.
I was learning how to linger in His presence.
I was learning to be still.
I noticed my perpetual exhaustion was lessening as I was unburdening!
In February of 2023, Hubbs came to me one night for a serious chat.
He was so broken.
He confessed sin he had hidden for much of our marriage and asked for my forgiveness.
He told me he finally realized that he was not just a “little sinner,” but a “full-on sinner” and needed God not just to throw Him a life preserver, but to fully rescue him from drowning.
He finally understood the depth of the gospel and had responded in surrender.
My response was nothing short of God’s abundant grace.
Looking at Hubbs’ brokenness, I saw my own, and had big compassion.
God forgave me in all my wickedness and offense against Him, and was now making me new!
I immediately forgave.
Everything wasn’t as tidy as it sounds.
There was trust that needed to be built back.
We sought counsel from the church, and an older couple stepped in and made it so easy for us to receive. (OH WHAT GRACE!!)
They always said, “Yes, we’ll be there.”
And, followed up for subsequent meetings.
They helped us walk through and make sense of a very difficult situation.
I sought counsel in other places, as well, but found a deeper abiding in Christ, seeking His counsel above all else, healed the best.
A UNIFIED SURRENDER
In the year that followed, the transformation in Hubbs was undeniable.
His answers were softer to me when he was frustrated.
He repented quickly when he knew he was wrong.
We watched considerably less television together.
And, he was much more discerning on what was worth the watch.
He converted his LEGO room into a study so we would have a quiet place for reading + prayer.
(If you know my husband, you know this is a HUGE mark of maturity and transformation.)
He kindly informed our youngest she could no longer sit at the head of the table, but that that seat would now be his.
My self-proclaimed “non-reader” husband started reading books at the nudge of our pastor, who highly encourages ongoing education.
He agreed to commit to go through a Christ-centered, 12-step recovery program with me.
He used to hate praying out loud, but was now making an effort to pray aloud with a genuine heart.
We almost never (meaning, I cannot remember when we ever) prayed together.
But, we started praying together!
It wasn’t praying together because we knew “couples who pray together stay together.”
It was praying together over things that we knew we needed to take to the Father together.
It has become a unified surrender.
(Photo taken on my 39th birthday, about 1 month before before our 15th anniversary.)
He even thoughtfully and prayerfully re-wrote his vows to me, admitting the ones he read at our wedding were cookie-cutter and he had no idea what he was promising.
15 years of marriage.
14 years of relative chaos and darkness, thinking we were living Christian.
1 year of actually living light in the light — TOGETHER.
60+ more years (Lord willing) of living light in the light together.
A few weeks prior to our 15th anniversary, I had asked permission to make our story public.
Hubbs agreed, but in the process of getting our story on paper, a significant struggle re-emerged.
He was hurt.
I was triggered.
Trust takes time.
But, you know what?
We handled the situation far differently than we had in the past.
Not because we’ve got our shit together.
Not because we faked it until we made it.
Not because we read enough self-help books.
Not because we tried harder.
Our growth + maturing can only be attributed to the work of the gospel in our lives.
GOD DID IT.
God is doing it.
He’s making us new.
All we did was repent + surrender and learn to seek HIS ways when navigating everyday life.
Much lighter than the alternative options, no?
OH HOW I PRAY that reading our story might save you from needlessly carrying crushing weight!
God’s Word is TRUE, whether you believe it yet or not.
Our marriage is a testimony to that!
That promise I received back in 2020?
“A breakthrough is coming.”
IT’S HERE!
We were once both blind.
Now we see!!
We were once both deaf.
Now we hear!!
The gospel breaks through every stronghold.
The gospel breaks through the brokenness this world offers.
The gospel is where we come to be made NEW.
The gospel is where we meet Jesus face-to-face and are adopted as sons and daughters of the Most High King.
To one struggling in your marriage:
God doesn’t promise happy, healed marriages.
He promises to give us Himself as we surrender to + seek Him.
He is the prize.
Your desire for a happy, healed marriage is a good desire.
But, that’s nothing to stake your hope on.
Stake your hope on Jesus.
There’s going to be suffering in your life.
You may never see the healing of that suffering until Jesus comes again.
But, He’s worthy of your trust.
He’s worthy of your worship.
He’s worth your pursuit.
He is a GOOD FATHER.
And, He loves to bless His children with GOOD GIFTS.
For the spouse in a season of waiting, I see you.
Keep leaning into the Father.
Don’t ever stop your pursuit of Him.
You will reap GOOD GIFTS, even if a healed marriage is never one of them.
Your return-on-investment is eternal with God.
The gospel changes EVERYTHING.
AFTERWORD
In efforts to keep “first things first,” Hubbs and I are now committed to men’s and women’s discipleship groups in our local church.
These groups commit to each other for one full year, focusing on studying God’s Word, accountability, and prayer.
Instead of seeing our wild, unruly emotions as acceptable feelings and shifting blame outside ourselves, we now know where to take them — directly to our Heavenly Father.
When things seem “off” in our relationship, instead of spiraling in conversation, triggering me to lecture, triggering Hubbs to shut down, we are learning to stop and pray together.
We have come a LONG way.
And, we still have a LONG way to go.
We are FAR from perfect.
But, you know what?
Our goal isn’t a perfect marriage.
Our now unified goal is to know, love, and glorify God in all that we do.
And, that has made all the difference.