On Exhaustion
“WHY AM I SO EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME?”
Hubbs was getting tired of hearing me say this.
I felt for him as I'm sure he felt helpless to help me.
For just over a decade, I've been on journey of learning what my body actually needs + then making sure my body receives what it needs.
Sounds impressive, right? Like a good trajectory to be on, yeah?
“Good for you,” you might be thinking.
I mean, I stopped eating Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast (if you want to see that journey, you can scroll through here).
I ditched just about every household toxin in my home.
My pantry is *mostly “clean” food – limited refined sugars (if any), no canola oil or hydrogenated oils, totally void of synthetic food dyes, and for the most part, anything in there with an ingredient list are ingredients I can pronounce.
I go to sleep at a decent hour.
I have started to take morning walks.
I'm getting more water in than I used to.
WHY, THEN, AM I CONSTANTLY EXHAUSTED??
“Maybe I have adrenal fatigue,” I would think.
“I wonder if I need to get my hormones checked,” I would ruminate.
“Maybe there's something really wrong with me,” I would stress.
Hours spent on a hamster wheel of research.
Hours spent worrying and stressing.
Hours spent trying to control my energy levels.
UNTIL…
One day, I realized that I wasn't quite as exhausted as I used to be.
I had a bigger daily capacity than I was used to.
So, what changed?
At the end of 2021, for the first time in my life, I realized I was trying to live a Christian life *without Christ. I repented + began learning what it really means to be still in His presence and to KNOW Him. (You can read my testimony here.)
It's almost been 2 years since then and I'm only starting to experience a fuller JOY + PEACE as I daily commune with Him.
Elisabeth Elliot has been a great encouragement to me in the past 6 months via Podcast + in her rich legacy of written compilations.
Sharing prayers like:
"I'm willing to receive what you send,
To lack what you withhold,
To relinquish what you take,
To suffer what you inflict,
And, to do what you command,
And to be what you require."
And, wisdom such as, “The secret to tranquility is to know who your master is, and to do what he says.”
And, truths firmly stated such as, “Jesus Christ wants to be Lord of your love life, your school life, Lord of your money, Lord of your job, Lord of what you do when you think nobody's watching…He wants to give you a chance every day – 10 chances, 20 chances – to say ‘NO’ to yourself and ‘YES’ to God."
And neon signposts like, “Life will be infinitely simpler if you only have one aim: THY WILL, NOT MINE.”
I've been greatly encouraged + challenged by her as she continually points me to Jesus.
(Now, isn't that a testimony of God's goodness?! That this woman's life would continue to bear the name of her Master and Lord, encouraging + building up believers, years after she's passed from this earth!)
I haven't simply HEARD what she's said as she's pointed me to Jesus.
I've taken action.
"There will always be light for one step at a time.
There will always be strength for one day at a time.
And, there will always be grace for whatever God requires of you."
^^ THESE WORDS ARE TRUE!! HALLELUJAH!!
When I wake up, I turn my mind + heart to Him.
Not because I am checking a box.
Not because I have to, or think it will earn me His favor.
Because I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good!!
Because I know that better is one day in His presence than thousands elsewhere!!
Because I have experienced what the world offers and it's HEAVY.
And, because I believe St. Augustine when he stated, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”
Any and every circumstance that's filling my mind as I step out of bed, I surrender to Him.
I give Him my will + ask for His to be done in my life. (See Matthew 6:5-14)
I now realize that “to choose the self-life is to reject the Christ-life."
How many times in my life did I choose the “self-life”?
To figure things out by myself?
To attempt to control + decide my future?
Even after being born again!
The “self-life” looks like Paddington up there… 😅
pulling up on a pail full of liquid, unable to get it off the ground.
He's gonna end up pretty exhausted, don't ya think?
(Or, in a heap of mess! 🤪 )
All the research.
All the trying to control.
All the trying to figure it out on my own.
All the stress, worry, and anxiety.
THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXHAUSTED.
When I finally began to fully let go of my control and anxiety…
When I finally saw control as a weakness not a strength…
When I finally stopped wearing “anxiety” as a badge of honor…
When I finally rejected “anxiety” as an identity…
When I finally FULLY surrendered to Christ, my Lord and Savior…
That's when I started regaining energy.
He gives me exactly what I need to accomplish His will each day.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
In Him, I have all the energy I need.
We were intentionally made mind, body, and spirit.
When we address our health, we have to consider all three.
I addressed my mind + body for yeaaars before I ever realized it was my spirit that needed attention FIRST.
And, let me tell you, it was an uphill climb, with unnecessary detours, severely lacking the peace and joy I craved. 😰
If you're looking for answers to your perpetual exhaustion, I implore you…
As Elisabeth Elliot would say, “TRY GOD FIRST!"
(NO, not as your genie 🧞♂️ . YES, as your LORD and Savior ✝️ .)
You are known + loved without measure.
💛 Caitlin